Bedtime musings

As I sat with my girls, watching them fall asleep tonight, I once again found myself in awe of children, and a parent's love for them. I'm sure many parents feel this way, but I keep thinking about how incredibly fortunate I am to have such amazing beings in my life. Something about their damp hair across their sleeping cheeks makes me want to watch them breathe, hold them tight, and savor every slumbering moment.

Daytime flights by in a blur. There are overwhelming moments during which I don't know which way to look first. Wanting a clean, organized, peaceful environment pulls me into one direction, while wanting quality time with the girls above all pulls me in another direction. Ironically, when I made the decision to put my career on hold and become a SAHM, I had very romanticized June Cleaver-esque notions. The house would be perfect; I'd make quick, nutritious meals throughout the day; the girls and I would hover over educational activities, learning and playing as picturesquely as a trio from a Fischer-Price commercial; Terry and I would have plenty of time to relax in the evenings, since I had gotten it all done during the day; and at the end of the night I'd fall asleep, refreshed and with a smile on my face. Fast forward to three years later (has it really been that long?). I'm the queen of multitasking, but have learned you can't multitask being in the moment. I'm known for spending lunchtime sitting at the table, doing schoolwork with Madeline while I prep dinner; folding laundry while we play blocks; pureeing veggies and breading chicken for a future meal while making a meal for the current day; and strategizing my errands so I can go out as infrequently as possible, getting it all done in one trip by hitting each stop along the way so that I make only right turns. Sound like supermom? I doubt it... I'm sure there are plenty of other moms doing the same. At the same time, I'm sure we do things a little differently here.

I chuckled recently when my husband told me that his colleagues and students sometimes peer into his lunch, and ask "Who packed you THAT???" All-natural PB and homemade jam on homemade whole wheat bread, next to a side of baby spinach leaves with homemade hummus, next to a trail-mix that looks like it's from outer space... sitting next a giant stainless steel bottle of water... while others are eating McDs and tossing out their Styrofoam cups. I don't really care how we compare to others, only that each thing we do feels right for us.

Madeline turns five this week, which I cannot believe. We talked recently about how her birth made me a mother, and before that I was "a wife," as she put it. Becoming "a wife" felt significant, but becoming a mother was all-encompassing and life-changing in so many more ways that I ever could have envisioned. For a while after she was born, I wondered when I would feel "my old self," again. Eventually it dawned on me that adjusting to parenthood isn't about incorporating your child into an "old self," but rather discovering a new self. Perhaps this isn't the case for others, but I found that whoever I was before was gone faster than I could blink. I can't put my finger on the exact changes, but I suspect is has something to do with a loss of ever being truly carefree again. Once that new person is born and you are forever concerned with her safety, well-being, and happiness, it's safe to say that one's own goals become incredibly secondary. At times I find that frustrating, especially when I see women who don't seem to be affected in that way. It's not judgment I feel for them, but just a wondering at how it is that they seemed to have taken their child into stride and not become altered in the way that others are.

For now, as I watch my older daughter's eyes gleam as she learns to tally numbers, sound out words, and draw pictures better than ever before; and I watch my younger daughter master a new skill day by day, I really don't care that life was changed as drastically as it was. One day, sometime in the future, I'll begin to piece together who I am now as opposed to who I was before... but at this moment, I'm too busy picking up bits of playdoh, chickpeas, and markers.