As I sat with my girls, watching them fall asleep tonight, I once again found myself in awe of children, and a parent's love for them. I'm sure many parents feel this way, but I keep thinking about how incredibly fortunate I am to have such amazing beings in my life. Something about their damp hair across their sleeping cheeks makes me want to watch them breathe, hold them tight, and savor every slumbering moment.
Daytime flights by in a blur. There are overwhelming moments during which I don't know which way to look first. Wanting a clean, organized, peaceful environment pulls me into one direction, while wanting quality time with the girls above all pulls me in another direction. Ironically, when I made the decision to put my career on hold and become a SAHM, I had very romanticized June Cleaver-esque notions. The house would be perfect; I'd make quick, nutritious meals throughout the day; the girls and I would hover over educational activities, learning and playing as picturesquely as a trio from a Fischer-Price commercial; Terry and I would have plenty of time to relax in the evenings, since I had gotten it all done during the day; and at the end of the night I'd fall asleep, refreshed and with a smile on my face. Fast forward to three years later (has it really been that long?). I'm the queen of multitasking, but have learned you can't multitask being in the moment. I'm known for spending lunchtime sitting at the table, doing schoolwork with Madeline while I prep dinner; folding laundry while we play blocks; pureeing veggies and breading chicken for a future meal while making a meal for the current day; and strategizing my errands so I can go out as infrequently as possible, getting it all done in one trip by hitting each stop along the way so that I make only right turns. Sound like supermom? I doubt it... I'm sure there are plenty of other moms doing the same. At the same time, I'm sure we do things a little differently here.
I chuckled recently when my husband told me that his colleagues and students sometimes peer into his lunch, and ask "Who packed you THAT???" All-natural PB and homemade jam on homemade whole wheat bread, next to a side of baby spinach leaves with homemade hummus, next to a trail-mix that looks like it's from outer space... sitting next a giant stainless steel bottle of water... while others are eating McDs and tossing out their Styrofoam cups. I don't really care how we compare to others, only that each thing we do feels right for us.
Madeline turns five this week, which I cannot believe. We talked recently about how her birth made me a mother, and before that I was "a wife," as she put it. Becoming "a wife" felt significant, but becoming a mother was all-encompassing and life-changing in so many more ways that I ever could have envisioned. For a while after she was born, I wondered when I would feel "my old self," again. Eventually it dawned on me that adjusting to parenthood isn't about incorporating your child into an "old self," but rather discovering a new self. Perhaps this isn't the case for others, but I found that whoever I was before was gone faster than I could blink. I can't put my finger on the exact changes, but I suspect is has something to do with a loss of ever being truly carefree again. Once that new person is born and you are forever concerned with her safety, well-being, and happiness, it's safe to say that one's own goals become incredibly secondary. At times I find that frustrating, especially when I see women who don't seem to be affected in that way. It's not judgment I feel for them, but just a wondering at how it is that they seemed to have taken their child into stride and not become altered in the way that others are.
For now, as I watch my older daughter's eyes gleam as she learns to tally numbers, sound out words, and draw pictures better than ever before; and I watch my younger daughter master a new skill day by day, I really don't care that life was changed as drastically as it was. One day, sometime in the future, I'll begin to piece together who I am now as opposed to who I was before... but at this moment, I'm too busy picking up bits of playdoh, chickpeas, and markers.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Mindfulness, every curb is a balance beam, and other such ramblings
Looking back at my summer blog, I have to laugh... I had no idea how busy fall was going to be! Summer was great... busier than expected, but lots of fun, travel, and great memories with friends and family. As the fall flies by and the holiday season approaches, I've been working extra hard on living mindfully, and really absorbing each and every moment.
Margo and I arrived at Madeline's school today to pick Maddie up, and into my head popped blogging. Margo climbed onto each curb, balancing herself expertly, insisting on walking the entire length as a gymnast, stopping occasionally to reach down and grab, "A rock, a rock!" I reminded myself to let her experience the moment, and not rush her through it. Her job, right now, is to be an explorer. It was the type of experience during which my husband would comment on my plethora of patience... similar to yesterday, when Madeline and I were working on her schoolwork, and she was repeatedly writing a letter incorrectly, just to make me laugh. "I don't know how you do it..." my husband is always saying. "Do what?" I respond. I'm just raising my family!
On one hand, life often resembles GroundHog Day. Wake up, eat, get everyone ready for the day, bring Madeline the bus, spend the morning with Margo, get Madeline off the bus, put Margo down for her nap, feed Madeline lunch, do schoolwork, bring the girls outside to play/run errands, make dinner, get the girls ready for bed, clean up, go to bed. Whew. Is that the American dream?? But when I look closely, I see so many precious moments. The girls are growing so fast, and their sister bond is awesome. Frequently, I happen upon them playing together, with Madeline teaching Margo something, while Margo imitates. The other day, I found them sitting at the playroom table, "having a meeting." Each time I see them go down the slide holding hands, hugging before bed, and sharing a snack, I feel my heart warm inside. Which is not to say we don't have the moments during which one girl pulls a toy from the other one's hand, and I hear a shrieking, "Mommy!!!!!"
Lots of things make me wistful these days. I feel like although we rush through our weeks, there are many moments I'd like to slow down, or preserve. For one thing, I'm stunned at the rate at which Madeline has matured since beginning school. Already she seems more wise, more worldly, as she navigates kindergarten, riding the bus, homework, and being out in the world sans parents. Hearing about her day is comical. She shares her memories in bits and pieces, telling me stories that explain only half of what I want to know, and stating, "I forget" for everything else.
Margo, meanwhile, had adjusted to mornings with Mommy. Frequently, she'll ask, "Madeline?" I'll remind her that Madeline is at school. "Daddy?" she'll ask. He's at work, I respond. She looks at me, thinking. "Oh," she answers, nodding seriously. She's a full-on toddler by now... running through the house, her little hands clutching a doll, book, wooden spoon, or whatever random item of her sister's isn't being used presently. She definitely hit a language explosion at some point... she loves to tell me to "Lay down, Mommy," "Here, Mommmy," or that she wants to play with, "Madeline's toothbrush." This morning she handed me a pair of shoes, and I said, "Those are Daddy's, actually." She spent the next few minutes practicing, "Daddy's, actually. Mommy's, actually. Madeline's, actually." She repeats everything. She's also obsessed with turning things on and off... every light switch, doll that talks, and toy with batteries in our house is getting a run for its money right now.
I find myself loving so many aspects of toddlerhood... her wispy curls, the tiny tush running free through the house, the silly games she plays, and her love of "the milkies." She's out of diapers during the day, needing them only at night, and I know she'll soon look more like a little girl than anything else. It's all going so fast. She's my last, and while I definitely don't want another, there is so much that I will miss about young children. Madeline is changing so quickly that I sometimes find myself studying her, figuring out who she is in this moment. I constantly revel in my girls, and feel so fortunate for my family. I feel corny, but I'm always telling Terry how lucky we are. Every day presents challenges, for sure, but there's nowhere else I'd be.
Margo and I arrived at Madeline's school today to pick Maddie up, and into my head popped blogging. Margo climbed onto each curb, balancing herself expertly, insisting on walking the entire length as a gymnast, stopping occasionally to reach down and grab, "A rock, a rock!" I reminded myself to let her experience the moment, and not rush her through it. Her job, right now, is to be an explorer. It was the type of experience during which my husband would comment on my plethora of patience... similar to yesterday, when Madeline and I were working on her schoolwork, and she was repeatedly writing a letter incorrectly, just to make me laugh. "I don't know how you do it..." my husband is always saying. "Do what?" I respond. I'm just raising my family!
On one hand, life often resembles GroundHog Day. Wake up, eat, get everyone ready for the day, bring Madeline the bus, spend the morning with Margo, get Madeline off the bus, put Margo down for her nap, feed Madeline lunch, do schoolwork, bring the girls outside to play/run errands, make dinner, get the girls ready for bed, clean up, go to bed. Whew. Is that the American dream?? But when I look closely, I see so many precious moments. The girls are growing so fast, and their sister bond is awesome. Frequently, I happen upon them playing together, with Madeline teaching Margo something, while Margo imitates. The other day, I found them sitting at the playroom table, "having a meeting." Each time I see them go down the slide holding hands, hugging before bed, and sharing a snack, I feel my heart warm inside. Which is not to say we don't have the moments during which one girl pulls a toy from the other one's hand, and I hear a shrieking, "Mommy!!!!!"
Lots of things make me wistful these days. I feel like although we rush through our weeks, there are many moments I'd like to slow down, or preserve. For one thing, I'm stunned at the rate at which Madeline has matured since beginning school. Already she seems more wise, more worldly, as she navigates kindergarten, riding the bus, homework, and being out in the world sans parents. Hearing about her day is comical. She shares her memories in bits and pieces, telling me stories that explain only half of what I want to know, and stating, "I forget" for everything else.
Margo, meanwhile, had adjusted to mornings with Mommy. Frequently, she'll ask, "Madeline?" I'll remind her that Madeline is at school. "Daddy?" she'll ask. He's at work, I respond. She looks at me, thinking. "Oh," she answers, nodding seriously. She's a full-on toddler by now... running through the house, her little hands clutching a doll, book, wooden spoon, or whatever random item of her sister's isn't being used presently. She definitely hit a language explosion at some point... she loves to tell me to "Lay down, Mommy," "Here, Mommmy," or that she wants to play with, "Madeline's toothbrush." This morning she handed me a pair of shoes, and I said, "Those are Daddy's, actually." She spent the next few minutes practicing, "Daddy's, actually. Mommy's, actually. Madeline's, actually." She repeats everything. She's also obsessed with turning things on and off... every light switch, doll that talks, and toy with batteries in our house is getting a run for its money right now.
I find myself loving so many aspects of toddlerhood... her wispy curls, the tiny tush running free through the house, the silly games she plays, and her love of "the milkies." She's out of diapers during the day, needing them only at night, and I know she'll soon look more like a little girl than anything else. It's all going so fast. She's my last, and while I definitely don't want another, there is so much that I will miss about young children. Madeline is changing so quickly that I sometimes find myself studying her, figuring out who she is in this moment. I constantly revel in my girls, and feel so fortunate for my family. I feel corny, but I'm always telling Terry how lucky we are. Every day presents challenges, for sure, but there's nowhere else I'd be.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
And then there were four
I've intended to blog for a while now, but like so many other things, never had the time to initiate the process. Throughout the day I have so many random thoughts, experiences, and ideas, and thought it might be fun to try and chronicle them. It occurred to me tonight that a punching bag might be a good outlet for daily frustration. It also keeps replaying in my mind how last night my 4 1/2 yr old daughter accidentally ended up in the boys' locker room at the high school where my husband teaches. And the silly dance she did for me earlier. And how intoxicating my 15 mo old's cheeks are. Definitely random thoughts.
It's almost summer and I'm definitely looking forward to it. Being the wife of a teacher, the summer is our coveted "quality time." Not sure what this summer will bring. For one thing, my littlest one likes to wander, so I suspect I'll spend a lot of time following her around. My big girl is pretty content to adapt to the majority, so that makes it easier, at least. That's always been her nature, which is why we knew she'd be the "gateway baby" who fooled us into thinking all babies would be as easy as she was. In a sense, that makes her my marijuana, and my younger one... crack? Lol. No wonder her cheeks are so intoxicating...
In all seriousness, one goal for the summer is to continue schooling my older daughter, yet find a way to make it fresh, since it is, after all, summertime. Prepping her for kindergarten feels like a big job. I'd also like to make sure we tie up as many loose ends as possible... house projects, organization, etc., b/c I think the school yr will be even more chaotic once I have a child in the system. I know we'll take a few trips- hopefully we'll visit a friend in RI/MA, another friend on LI, and a trip down to SC to visit my husband's grandfather. I'm hoping we'll get a lot of relaxing time, too... some lazy afternoons down at the pool, and mornings at the playground.
Hopefully, my sanity will remain intact... or at least... not deteriorate any further. ;)
It's almost summer and I'm definitely looking forward to it. Being the wife of a teacher, the summer is our coveted "quality time." Not sure what this summer will bring. For one thing, my littlest one likes to wander, so I suspect I'll spend a lot of time following her around. My big girl is pretty content to adapt to the majority, so that makes it easier, at least. That's always been her nature, which is why we knew she'd be the "gateway baby" who fooled us into thinking all babies would be as easy as she was. In a sense, that makes her my marijuana, and my younger one... crack? Lol. No wonder her cheeks are so intoxicating...
In all seriousness, one goal for the summer is to continue schooling my older daughter, yet find a way to make it fresh, since it is, after all, summertime. Prepping her for kindergarten feels like a big job. I'd also like to make sure we tie up as many loose ends as possible... house projects, organization, etc., b/c I think the school yr will be even more chaotic once I have a child in the system. I know we'll take a few trips- hopefully we'll visit a friend in RI/MA, another friend on LI, and a trip down to SC to visit my husband's grandfather. I'm hoping we'll get a lot of relaxing time, too... some lazy afternoons down at the pool, and mornings at the playground.
Hopefully, my sanity will remain intact... or at least... not deteriorate any further. ;)
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